36

Tonight while we were having our pre-tuck-in chat, Haley asked me what I did for my sixteenth birthday, since it was twenty years ago today that I turned sixteen. I spent my sixteenth birthday traveling to Phoenix for my very last gymnastics competition, which was the Class II Regionals competition. I fell on my back handspring layout on the beam (a fall I still sometimes dream about), ensuring myself second place instead of first in the All-Around, although I did win first on bars (my favorite event) and third on floor (my music was from the movie Top Gun). Haley's next question:  why that was my last meet---why'd I leave gymnastics? Which is a hard question to answer: because I felt guilty about my mom having to work and go without so that I could go to the gym, and because I was afraid of going on to Class I gymnastics---the big release moves on bars, the Yurchenko vault---and because I didn't feel that any of my coaches would take care of me, and because part of me wanted to be like everyone else---to come home after school and hang out with friends. I can't really say if any of these reasons were THE reason. A combination of them all, plus depression and anxiety and teenage angst. Who would I be now if I hadn't quit? My life changed drastically after my sixteenth birthday...things definitely fell apart. It was a turning point.

Her questions made me remember things I'd not thought of in years, and then I dug out some photos. Here's Amy at sweet sixteen:

(all of them grainy and slightly out of focus, and I'm still glad to have them anyway.)
(Ooooh, and don't fail to notice that white-blond hair of mine. Painful.)

I'm not sure what this little gander down memory lane has to do with my birthday. Other than the fact that in some ways, I feel exactly the same as I did then, and in many others there's a huge disconnect with that version of myself. Maybe it's that birthdays are the best time---far better than New Year's Day, in my opinion---to take stock of your life. What decisions did I make incorrectly? (And isn't that quite the laundry list?) What decisions turned out just fine? And what am I going to do with the upcoming year of my life? How can I make today another turning point, the corner that starts taking me in a more positive direction? How can I stop wishing and start taking action---start becoming the person I thought I'd be when these photos were taken?

If I stop to think about it, it freaks me out a little bit to know that I'm already half-way to 70. There are still so many goals I have to fulfill and things I want to do in my life before my time runs out. And all of this birthday, I've found myself thinking of those goals, realizing that maybe I have been wasting time. Maybe, like that decision I made at 16, I am deciding things based partly on fear and self doubt. I don't want either to hold me back anymore. Part of this is coming from watching my mom's current struggles, as she fights against the circumstances that decisions she made in her middle thirties and early forties are creating for her now. I don't want to look back and see my life as a series of regrets, a litany of "should haves" and "why didn't I's." Today, turning 36 has been strangely invigorating. I want to stop wasting time. I want to start taking action, to be as fierce and motivated and energetic---and as passionate about and dedicated to my decisions---as I was twenty years ago. Maybe now I am finally ready.

Comments

[Kim]

First of all, happy birthday! Today's post leads me to think that while you are worried about your life, you are light years ahead of so many others because you are thinking and reflecting and looking to the future. I believe in your ability to influence that future.

Thanks for sharing part of your past, too. Oh, how I always envied those lovely gymnasts. It was never an option for me - I think I was born about 15 years too soon. There were really no sports for girls where I lived. But I did have my horses, and that was wonderful consolation. I won't "should" on you, but if I were to look back on years as a gymnast, I would hope I'd be proud of what I accomplished - so many others would have been too afraid to do what you did. Pat yourself on the back - for a while you were able to fly. Now, you just need to find a different way to fly. I'm sure you'll do it. Happy birthday.

[Wendy]

I meant to wish you Happy Birthday yesterday! I think it's very fun that you and Haley's birthdays are so close. I love the gymnastics pics. Wow! I have more to ponder about myself, from the questions you are asking yourself. Thanks for sharing all of that, Amy.

[Valerie]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

[Lucy]

Happy Birthday! That is some serious flexibility and strength there. I do understand about looking at the past and seeing such strength there, but I have to remind myself that my strength might not show in my body or single-mindedness, but in my service and perseverance and sacrifice. Not exactly sexy, or the kinds of things that bring on the spotlight, but meaningful. At 36, you are meaningful!

[Shaunte]

Great post.
I hit three-six this year too.
I think we are young....

I always wanted to be a gymnast. I lack a little thing called flexibility!
Love those photos of you. Very cool.

Happy B-day! Thanks for the ponderings. :)

[Cris]

Hi Amy ~ Happy 36!!! I'm right there with you ~ I turned 36 this year too! I relate to the freaking out about being 1/2 way to 70. I do that on a fairly regular basis, but when I start to go down that path, I stop, take a deep breath and try to remember to smell the roses along the way. I have no doubt that you will do wonderful things with the next 35+ years!!! Thank you for sharing the pics. and little about who your past!!! Hope you have a wonderful day today and many, many more to come!! And thanks for making me stop today and reavaluate my life a bit - I needed that!!!

[Melanie]

Happy birthday! I love to read your blog because you don't seem to hold back. We all wrestle with the same issues, but some people (like you) are really good at putting them into words. Hope you do something nice for yourself to celebrate.

[Mimi]

Happy, Happy Birthday, my friend! Many Years!

[Jessica]

Happy Birthday! Hope you have had a nice day.

[chris jenkins]

happy birthday amy :)

i really enjoyed your thoughtful musings on this special day.

just wanted to share 3 things that i think about a lot lately as i have recently reached 35:

1) live in the moment. elder ballard shared this thought during conference and it has stuck in my mind a lot. he shared this thought-prevoking quote by anna quindlen:

"but the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three on them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in a hurry to get on to the next things: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less"

2) there will always be other sweaters. read this recently in real simple magazine.

the author was trying to make a decision on what sweater to buy and her mother told her "it's not the last sweater you're ever going to buy." in other words, we make decisions, a lot of them, some of them will be mistakes. instead if dwelling on them and living in regret, we need to move forward and understand that we always have another chance to get it right.

3) make a bucket list. make a list of things you want to do in this lifetime and then try and put your best effort into doing them when you can. this life is so so short. it goes by quickly. we don't want to be like ferris' friend cameron and say that at the end of this life we "haven't done nothing good."

so so sorry this has gotten quite long. but i really wanted to share it with you and a lot of the time, your posts get my brain thinking - you just have that effect on me - a sure sign of a good writer :)

[Sharon]

I admire anyone who could do a handstand. Happy birthday!

[dana burton]

Happy Birthday, Amy!

[Gaynol]

Wonderful pictures! Have a great birthday!

[RedMolly]

Happy birthday. You know you'll get there, if you can only take the time to figure out where "there" might be. Rock on.

[DorkWad]

Hey, regardless of other variables, the 'coulda's' that might reference unrealized gymnastics exploits pale in comparison with other feats for which there is often little or no earthly applause.

If one could submit unsolicited advice in the form of an observation, then here is that observation: Family is the greatest personal sacrifice for any person, and especially for an educated woman. Few see the family for what it is, society's greatest creation and therefore its greatest potential achievement ... or failure. Thus it is often left to the person/parent alone to find within themselves the rationale and, consequently, faith to believe that what they are doing is not only worthwhile, but is the greatest work they could ever do for society and, indeed, for themselves. In the English Geek's instance, if youth is any indication of future accomplishment then her 'fruits' are and will be great.

Thus, the unsolicited advice may be to suggest the allowance of a feeling of satisfaction in what's been accomplished ... despite all of the setbacks, all of the heartache, all of the missed opportunities. Those are transitory. Sure, they are part of 'us', but are only 'us'. More importantly, the legacy we leave and how that legacy affects the generations yet to come hopefully gives us pause for thought. I'd wager that this pause would allow the English Geek to sleep peacefully at night knowing that, thus far, everything that could be done, has been done; and for that, there should be not one regret.

Just an observation, though ... and Happy Birthday.

[Wendy]

Happy Birthday, Amy! I'm confused. Is the really fair hair painful because you miss it or didn't like it? I had very light blonde hair as well and with every pregnancy it went darker. I would look at myself in the mirror and say, "Who is this person?" Now I have to fight gray, too!

I am older by 7 years, but I remember that I was in the same contemplative mood around 36. Especially because I only had one child and my marriage was back together after a separation (but still on slightly shaky grounds) and I didn't know where my life was headed. It is a great thing to take stock and set goals.

I agree with others, you write so well that you draw us into your honest evaluations and observations! Thanks for writing!

[Jamie]

wow! That is so cool you did something so amazing like that. My body could never do those things.. even when it was 117 pounds. I had friends on the gymnastics team. One day they tried and tried to help me learn how to do a cartwheel..... I just could not. Absolutely could not.
It's fun to know this about you!