2008: The DIDN'T Blog About It Edition

I've been meaning to do one of those 2008-year-in-review memes that are floating around, but instead I keep thinking about all the stuff I didn't blog about last year. You know...the topics I always mean to get around to, but for whatever reason just didn't. So, instead of the meme, I'm doing a quick-ish (because hello: when is anything I do simple?) rundown of stuff that I didn't blog but still want to say something about.

January

Almost all of my weekdays were spent hanging out at home with Kaleb, playing and reading books and cleaning the house together, nearly always in our pajamas. I loved those days so much. There was snow outside, and we were inside, warm and cozy and happy. I still rocked him to sleep for every single nap he took. He still (dare I confess it?) drank a bottle while I rocked him. I tried to wring out every last ounce of babyness from that time. The bottle thing really bothered Kendell, and he kept "encouraging" me to take it away from him. I didn't actually do it until May, but I made a conscious decision to not let the babying bother me. I think it was during this time, with those things on my mind, that I finally, finally began making peace with the reality of not ever having more babies. It is still a process I am going through.

February

Kendell and I celebrated our sixteenth anniversary with a quick dinner out at Rumbi. We almost never do something exciting for anniversaries! Jacob and Nathan both learned how to ski, courtesy of our brother-in-law Eric. Kendell couldn't ski then (snow + cold + extremely painful hips = no skiing), and I refuse to snow ski after my first-and-last experience with it 19 years ago (I'll have to blog about that one day!), but lame skiing parents didn't matter, because Eric is the PERFECT ski instructor: laid back and patient. Both boys loved it! I took Haley shopping one February Saturday and she came home with a new church dress and her first high heels. She also had surgery on her mouth to install chains on her eye teeth; we hung out in the waiting room with Bronco Mendenhall (BYU's football coach) but neither of us care enough about football to get very excited.

March

We finally had Nathan's baptism this month. Technically, he should have been baptized in December 2007, but I was being difficult: I wanted him to be baptized on a day when no one else was. This was how we had Jacob's baptism, and the presence of only our friends and family, with no one we didn't know in the room, gave such a sweet feeling to the event. I wanted to feel that again. What I ended up feeling was stressed. Over the post-baptism food, of course. I was almost late to the baptism because I was finishing the food, and then I worried the entire time about whether I'd made enough or not. I found myself annoyed at some members of my family, and anxious about getting photos afterward, and just, well, befuddled. It wasn't the spiritual experience for me that I wanted it to be. However, that night, Nathan and I had a tender moment, just talking about it, and I saw that for him, it really was a spiritual experience, which is all that really matters. Plus, Jacob gave one of the talks, and he did such a great job. Several people commented to me that one day he'll make a wonderful missionary. I relayed those comments on to him, which gave him some ideas he's still thinking about.

April

What with that bonus tax return we got last year, it was time: I needed a new mixer. My old Kitchenetics was in pieces and parts---I could grate cheese with it, still, and make bread dough, but cookies and cakes were things of the past. After lots of research, I bought a new Bosch. It's got this ginormous bowl---I can make three batches of rolls at a time! And the grater attachment, which I had to have as I detest grating cheese with a hand grater, is much faster than my old one. It might be just my imagination, but it feels like the things I bake have a more "mixed" flavor, as if they are better combined. We sold the Kitchenetics pieces and parts. But, you know, as much as I love my new Bosch, I still felt like I was getting rid of a little piece of myself with that Kitchenetics. We bought it with gift certificates people gave us when we got married, at ZCMI (a department store you'll only recognize if you're from Utah), and I'd imagine that in the sixteen years I've used it, I've probably made nearly 200 batches of cookies and Thanksgiving rolls at least ten times, not to mention dozens of quick breads, yeast breads, dinner rolls, and cakes. Plus grated countless pounds of cheese. We bonded, my mixer and I; one late and very desperate Thanksgiving Eve, I actually spoke to it. It was a good mixer.

April was Haley's thirteenth birthday. She got to go to St. George with my sister, whose daughter is close to Haley's age. We did her grandparents party a little bit later, and she didn't have her friend party (which, by the way, my kids get only every other year, if that...I'm a horrible party mom) until the last Saturday in May. We waited that long so she could have it at her aunt's swimming pool. My birthday (also in April) was...well, I have no idea what I did on my birthday. Must not have been very exciting.

May

While May seemed to be consumed with adjusting to being an employed person again, I managed to sew a lot. Rag quilts, of course! Specifically, I made three of them in ten days. I'd found a bright floral/stripe flannel a few weeks before my friend Mary Ann had her baby. A different set of tones than I usually use, but I loved the brightness! Then, I decided that, since flannel was on a ridiculously cheap sale at Joann, I'd make a quilt for Jake's teacher. (I was the room mother.) When Nathan heard the idea, he wanted me to make one for his teacher, too. These were very simple rag quilts, just strips. I forgot to take a picture of the one I gave to Jake's teacher, but this one gives you an idea of what they both looked like. I love working with flannel, and the great thing about rag quilts is that there's no actual quilting involved, plus the edge is much simpler than on a traditional quilt. They come together so quickly! I did have lots of fuzz in my dryer for quite awhile, though!

June

Kendell and Kaleb's birthdays are both in June, just two days apart. Kendell celebrated his birthday by getting a Wii. As I absolutely hate video games, this did not make me very happy. It made the kids ecstatic, though. Since the kids were out of school, I established my Summertime Plan. On the first Monday in June, I took the Bigs out to dinner, and we discussed what we wanted to do that summer. Everyone contributed lots of ideas. We made a list and then started doing things. I am the most disorganized person, apt to just not ever do anything simply because I let time pass, so it was helpful to have a plan and a list. I think we had more fun during the summer just because of a little bit of planning. Plus, I knew we'd not be going on a vacation (because of Kendell's surgery), so I tried to make little mini-vacations, every Thursday.

July

I was so excited to have the opportunity to go to the BYU Symposium on Books for Young Readers. I attended one of the keynote presentations, which was done by Wendell Minor, who is a book illustrator---covers and the pictures inside, too. Since I am hopeless in the art department, I admire artists. I admire him because his illustrations are downright gorgeous. I should have written an entire blog entry about this day, but since this is quick-ish, I'll just share a few things he said. "If an artist is true to his nature, his work will change very little from childhood." He then showed us some pictures he had drawn as a kid, relating to the topics that still continue to fascinate him. This made me think, very much, about my childhood self and how she impacts my adult writing self. "We are all anchored to a point in time and a place that continue to color our world." For him it was summers spent fishing and observing the outdoors. I know what mine are---do you? "Pictures and words are more important than I am." This idea resonates with me profoundly. It hints at how real creators, be they authors, painters, sculptors, whatever, are interested in the process---in the creating itself, not in the fame or even in the identity of being a creator. I also got to go to small discussions with X. J. Kennedy (I continue to think about one of his statements and will blog about it, sometime), Jennifer Holme, and Kenneth Oppel. It was an awesome two days!

August

I did already blog about going to girl's camp. But there were several details I left out, like how much I enjoyed driving up to the camp all by myself and that I stopped several times on the way just to take pictures. How disappointed I was that rain cut our hike short. The way I didn't sleep very well in the cabin because it was making me feel claustrophobic. But one of the clearest images I took from girls' camp was a surprising revelation: I am afraid of canoes. What's odd about it is that I am not afraid of water. I grew up in a family that went water skiing every summer. But the girls talked me into going canoing with them, and the entire time I was on that boat, my heart was pounding. Maybe it was frightening to me because I was fully dressed, with heavy boots on and a rain jacket over my thickest sweatshirt. Probably the fact that it was drizzling, cold, and gloomy didn't help. Maybe if I was on a canoe in a bathing suit on a bright blue day, I would like it. As it stands, though, I might never get on one again. Of course, it's also Candace and Cindy's fault, the other leaders I went out with. None of us can paddle a canoe very well. But you know: there's nothing like a terrifying canoe experience for making new friends!

September

I took a few hours off work to attend a presentation at church by Marie Calder Ricks, who is one of those people who's so organized she teaches others how to be, too. While I heartily disagree on her laundry philosophy (she said that piled-up laundry is a way of being passive-aggressive towards your family and while that might apply to her, my laundry issues stem from time frustrations, not relationship frustrations. I'm passive aggressive in other ways! Plus, her opinion is that the laundry should be folded the second it is done drying, and that just doesn't fit with my routine. I can be the laundress but I think everyone else is old enough to be the folders!), I especially loved one thing she said: Your goal in keeping up with your home should revolve around the word "finish." If everyone learns to FINISH, there is a lot less work and frustration. "Finish" as in: Put your dishes in the dishwasher when you're done eating, or, Don't think the kitchen is clean if you've not washed, dried, and put away the pans, or, Dump the newspaper in the recycle bin when you've read it all. (Not that I would ever not do that.) Or, even the highly-astounding and mostly-revolutionary, Flush the toilet once you're done! It mostly has to do with personal responsibility. We've been working on this a little bit at my house and will be applying it much more over the upcoming year. In fact, it's sort of our Word for the year.

October

One Friday night in October, I came home to find Kendell burrowing around in the storage room, looking for the box that had his birth certificate inside of it, so he could get a passport. I scooted him aside and started looking, because I am way better than he is at finding stuff. I never did find it, but I did come across a long-forgotten box filled with old journals; the oldest one was from my  eighth grade year and the newest from 1996, the year after Haley was born. (After that year, I started keeping my journal mostly on the computer.) I stayed up way too late that year, reading through the chronology of me, transforming from a teenager to a newlywed to a mother. I think I thought there would be a point, a specific moment, when I became an adult, but there wasn't; it was all gradual transformation. It was nearly shocking to be reintroduced to my teenage self; she was far angrier than I remember feeling. And it was both surprising and a little bit discouraging to see how similar my marriage issues are now to how they were twelve years ago.

That night of reading journals has changed several things for me. One is that I am trying more, now, to focus on the positive experiences I have rather than mostly using my journal as a venting place. More relevant and pressing, though, is what has come from reading my teenage self. I might have been angry, confused, and hurting then, but I had a voice. I wasn't ever afraid to say what I thought; I didn't think anything other than that my ideas mattered. II think that somewhere along my journey I associated my rebellion with my ability to speak out, and when I left my rebellion behind I left my voice behind with it. I want my voice back; I want to find that inscrutable knowledge that my voice matters.

November

I think I made a fleeting reference to the fact that I kept bawling at church. Honestly I still start to cry if I think about this too much: In November, I was released from my calling working with the young women in our ward. The bishopric felt that I was experiencing too much stress in my life, and that my calling was adding to that stress, and that I needed more time to be with my family. While that is true, I didn't ever want to be released. Part of me feels OK with this change, especially as I went through the holidays with all the extra stuff I had to do. Another part hasn't made peace with it yet, because deep down, I feel like everyone has stress in their life, and yet they manage to fulfill their church duties far better than I ever could. That part of me feels I have failed at managing what I should be able to manage. I'm still trying to iron this out in my heart.

Nathan turned nine in November. (That's a lot of Ns!) Because I was going to my last YW activity on the night of his birthday, I had a little surprise post-school party waiting for him, with balloons, a gift, and cupcakes. Then we had his Grandma & Grandpa party the next night, complete with a Thanksgiving-esque dinner and his favorite, carrot cake.

December

What I really need to blog about from December is all the sewing I did. But as I still have a few things to finish up (guess that's my MO for holiday sewing: start it with the goal of finishing it for this year, but with a little snarky bit of reality reminding me quietly that it'll probably just be ready for next year), and I want to share them here, I'll wait. I could also write about how, as soon as Christmas was over this year, my mind was full of how I want to do things differently next year, but that's its own entry, too. Instead I have to tell you about the day I got stuck in the snow. Really: the last time I was stuck in snow, I was 17 and trying to leave my psychiatrist's office. You'd think that the ancient and enormous Ford Torino I drove would have got along just fine in the snow, but no: I think I got stuck in it at least five times during the two years I drove it. That last time I was stuck, I sat in the car for at least 15 minutes, just talking myself into going back in to ask my doctor to help push me out; somehow that was more embarrassing than anything I shared with him in therapy. At any rate, when we had that first big snowstorm, I parked on the side of the road like I always do at work. But when I tried to leave, I discovered my car surrounded by about 8 inches of snow. I brushed it off, scooped the snow away from the tires, and tried to leave, but no: I was stuck. A whole lot of wheel-spinning and not much actual leaving. I was way too embarrassed to go in and ask anyone I work with to help me (flashback to being 17), but luckily Kendell was on his way home, so he stopped by and pushed me out. Between that and the near-wreck, we've decided that on snowy days, he's driving the car, and I get the van.

So, there you have it: you are now completely and utterly caught up on my entire 2008. Well, not really. But sort of. And I am now a little bit more motivated to figure out, somehow, some way, a method for making the time to blog about what I want to blog about, when I want to blog about it.

I'm certain it will happen.

I'm ignoring the snarky little voice of reality, of course.

Comments

[becky]

I loved reading your year in review. I had no idea about the book symposium; how awesome! And I even love reading the stuff I know about.

When you were talking about the angry Amy who had a voice, I was jealous, because my journals from a certain point are hopeless drivel because I was afraid of who was reading. I'm glad yours was authentic; some of my old journals make me want to chuck them at the wall, because the real me isn't really in them.

Anyway. Loved your review of 2008.

[jamie `]

March: I did that with our last baptism too. I planned too much, was too stressed out and got there late and felt overwhelmed. I have another one coming this year and will definitely rethink what I will plan. I like having the alone baptisms too. We have also been lucky that has been our lot too by coincidence without too much finagling so far. It's lovely to not have to share that experience with anyone else.... When growing up my dad always made sure we were baptized on our birthday which was special. That's not really possible here but trying to make it individual is.
April: a good mixer is heaven
May: I'd really love to learn how to do that someday!
Aug:canoes feel very unsteady. I think you may be right however.. layers of clothes and being cold vs. sunshine and a bathing suit: worlds apart! You notice I did not get it.....
sept: I forgot about "finish" I loved that. I need to make a sign. It's a great "goto" word
nov: I'm sorry. Some things are confusing and hard to come to terms with.

[Kathryn]

Amy, thanks once again for sharing. I always take away something new to think about.
You are not alone in your struggles - I'm right there with you about changing Christmas next year.
I find your happiness and triumphs bring a smile to my face even though I only know you through this blog.
I appreciate that you make the time to share some of your thoughts, ideas and feelings. I hope that reality isn't snarky with you this year!

[Heather D. White]

What a fun entry!! Amy..so good to see you. This past year, I have really missed being in touch with "old friends" and it's always fun to see your name pop up on my blog here and there!!! Thank you for your comment on my last post. As far as GoChi goes....up until yesterday afternoon, I was forwarding everyone to Steve Mahady, my contact with FreeLife (the company that sells GoChi). I ended up talking to Steve yesterday about the blog entry I posted and he said, "Heather, how can you write a post like that and be so passionate about something and NOT represent it?" Needless to say, he has talked me into being a representative for GoChi. I have always been so hesitant about things like this. I am not a fan of multi-level marketing and I can't stand pushing people into buying a product. I've already decided that this will not be an AGGRESSIVE sales opportunity for me. I will not push this on anyone. I have shared GoChi and shared why I love it and how it has worked for me and IF people are interested, they can come to me. So, needless to say, as soon as I get set up, you will actually be able to purchase this through me. I'm going to be working with Steve today to get my account set up. If you do end up being interested, just let me know. :-)

[Candace]

Canoes ROCK... especially when we are in it together... around and around we go... where we stop... we won't know!!! I think I shouldn't be in the front next time ;)