Having A Day

You know the kind. When, after two weeks of waking up feeling just a little bit chubbier courtesy of the **#$&*(@!~@*+ progesterone your doctor insisted your body, you know, needs, you realize that it's not just in your head and you ARE gaining weight. And you hate that this freaks you out because in theory you aren't the person who's obsessed over skinny but in reality you don't want to start wearing your Big Clothes, the ones you kept just in case because you never really believe that anything good will stick around. But it freaks you out anyway. The chubby makes you cry and then missing your daughter, even though she's just still asleep in her room, makes you cry harder because once she's awake she'll be here but not really here, not talking to you very much, not letting you into her life and you think to yourself I thought junior high was hard but it's harder having a junior-high-aged daughter because then the rejection is way more personal than I can stand. And then you cry because your house is messy and you're supposed to care but you don't, and does that make you a failure as a woman? I mean, if you're failing at woman what else is left? You consider why your mom didn't teach you to be a woman who cares about a cluttered house but instead of going down the mother/daughter blame path you think about your dad, which makes you cry more. And then you've got every single mistake and wrong choice and disappointment and missed chance and things-you-wanted-desperately-but-the-answer-was-always-no you've ever experienced in your life spiraling around in your consciousness, taunting you with the idea that nothing good ever happens to you and you're the lamest and most unworthy person in the world.

Yeah. One of those days. I'm drowning my sorrows in Lucky Charms and feeling like work is probably a good thing. The fact that I have to shower and do my hair and put on clothes (not that anything will fit anymore) because I have to go to work is a blessing. Otherwise I'd just wallow in bed all day, bawling and feeling sorry for my (going-to-be-chubby-again) self. And I'm wondering if I'm insane to post this, but hello? The five people who read my blog already know I'm weird, right? 

Comments

[Gaynol]

We call this Monday at my house. Seriously, put down the lucky charms and back quickly away from the self loathing. Take deep even breaths, remind yourself you are loved. Women aren't defined by how clean they keep their houses. You are your wonderful self, no apologies necessary.

[Jana D]

Sending you the BIGGEST cyber hug. You are SO not weird. Normal. Not weird. Unless we are both weird.

[becky]

I am sorry you are having a day. If I could, I'd solve all your problems for you. But I don't think it's supposed to be that way.

Kind of cheesy, but there's always that quote: I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. And add to that: Be still, and know that I am god. (Not me, but God is, and he wants you to have a better day too.)

[Jamie]

Blame the progesterone on EVERYTHING. The weight, the tears, the self-loathing emotional overload....

AHHHHH!!!! When my dr. tells me I need extra progesterone I might just run the other way....

p.s. I'm sorry. I love ya.

[Britt]

I'm sorry!

But Lucky Charms are good!

[karla]

I am sorry to hear you are having one of those not so fun days. I think as women, we totally OVERLOAD ourselves and our expectations for ourselves. Many of your concerns are things I struggle with too, and I am not even on progestrine. I hope your week brings better days for you. You are an amazing women and mother. Try not to let your innerself beat you up like that.

[Helena]

((hugs))

[KristiG]

I don't normally comment on blogs, but something is making me this time. I totally have those kinds of days also, although my daughter is only 2 and hasn't started shutting me out yet. She does however LOVE to be with her Daddy when he gets home from work and I could just as well be invisible... Anyway, I hope the rest of your day went well. And thanks for your blog - it is a good reminder that I'm normal, and that we all have the same issues in life even if I try to hide them.

[Cris]

Sorry to hear your day has been so rough. Don't think your weird at all and really appreciate that there is someone else out there that knows what "big clothes" are and has a messy house !!! When I run now, I often think of you and what you've written about running.... totally motivates me and helps me continue to push forward. And although I really wish that I couldn't relate about the kid thing - I do - last night my ten year old informed me that he no longer needs me to tuck him - that was like a punch in the gut! So you are not alone - hope tomorrow is better and thanks for sharing.... it helps me know that maybe I'm not alone when I have my "off" days.

[tirzah]

I don't mean to sound trite, but maybe a little time will likely help your perspective. I had similarly overwhelming feelings a couple of weeks ago. Kind of felt like my whole world was coming in on me. I wanted to run away or crawl in a hole or find some way of escape, and I could tell my perspective was skewed or exaggerated somehow. That didn't help me come out of it or make any sense of it...but time did. I hope this little blip is a short one for you.

[Janssen]

That was totally my day yesterday too.

My husband and I went to the gym, and I sobbed all the way there until we finally just turned around and came home. It was a lovely time.

[Chris Selander]

It must be in the air as my last few days have been the same >>>

[DeborahW]

Seriously, Lucky Charms are a GOOD THING. Eat them, feel better, and prosper!

[Shaunte]

I feel that way often.
Every month for about five days, to be exact. ;)

At least you aren't eating a big old bowl of Hagen Daaz like I usually do. Lucky Charms are way lower in chub.

Give yourself THAT.

[Wendy]

I wanted to write "I can so relate. I'm loathing the big clothes and the messy house and I have a back ache today (on one of the few days I get to clean without distractions from my little guys)."

However, now I have to take a moment to jot down your first commenter's words. I may just have to frame them and put them on my wall! She said it perfectly and I need to hear it way too often.

[Candace]

I love you!

[Val]

I know these days! Then I go to work, and face 125 middle school students during the day who are pretty good at reaffirming everything negative I think about myself.... Fortunately there are also a few who smile at you, or tell you that they enjoy cooking or sewing at home, and the world doesn't seem quite so ugly.