Ok, yeah, I know: It is shocking. Surprising. Utterly unheard of. But: I am in a funk.
Funk as in grumpy. Funk as in: the thought of putting up my Christmas decorations makes me want to scream, slit my wrists, and then take a nap. Funk as in: ZERO ideas or enthusiasm over shopping. Funk as in: I don't want to go running, I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to do anything except eat Hershey's kisses.
Funk as in not at all fun to be with.
I mean, hello? I didn't even write about what I'm grateful for, which I usually do in November. We ran out of mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving (I think I had one tablespoon of them) and I am still annoyed about it. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday (because it isn't about "what did YOU get" but just "what did you bring to put on the table?") but this one ended with me feeling out-of-sorts and superfluous and old. I finally, a few days after Thanksgiving, finished the Thanksgiving quilt I started six weeks before last Thanksgiving, but I don't even care (in fact, I am annoyed by how I arranged the squares and am thinking about dumping the entire thing into the D.I. box).
In the immortal words of Nathan: what the?
I feel like everything has already been done. Like I am remembering my life instead of living it. Books haven't made me happy, and poems have failed me, and even writing itself hasn't snapped me out of my funk. The occasional long walk I've taken with Kendell gives me a bit of reprieve---for about three minutes. Partly it's the weather: the nothing weather. The fall colors are gone, but it's cold. There's no snow. It's just brown and chilly and grey and dry and indefinable: nothing weather. I hate it. It makes me feel like the world is coming to an end.
Coming to an end tomorrow.
And the dumb thing is, my life is just fine. Kendell has a job (for now!) and I have a job. Our kids are healthy. We are all OK. Don't get me wrong: I could catalog my woes. But in general, in comparison, I have nothing to complain about. And it's not even complaining, really. It is just persistent, stubborn funk. Funk that won't lift.
Anyone want to come and slap me?