16

Like those old pear-shaped Russian dolls that open at the middle to reveal another and another, down to the pea sized, irreducible minimum, we carry our mothers forth in our bellies.    ~Maxine Kumin

On Thursday, Haley turned 16. She kept calling me all day saying "Mom! What are we doing tonight?" and I'd be vague. "I don't know. We'll see. Maybe Steve might visit. Dad wants chicken and rice for dinner." When she got home, I said "You know, your dad didn't give me a gift for my birthday. Let's go to the mall so I can shop for something to give myself."

I think she was fairly frustrated. Whose parents, save Samantha Baker's, don't celebrate your 16th birthday?

Of course, this was just to build up the surprise I had planned. We didn't really go to the mall; we drove to In 'n Out, where a bunch of her friends were waiting to surprise her. She caught on before I could get her inside (mainly because I never choose to go to In 'n Out), but it was still a good party.

But uncomfortable for me, honestly. I didn't want to be the only adult hanging out with this bunch of teenagers, but they needed a ride home. Also, I had the cake. So I sat to the side and tried to watch without being weird about it. I thought about my own 16th birthday, and the way I was a teenager. To contrast that image of myself—painfully shy, desperately love-addicted, thoroughly awkward with boys, completely clueless still to all the wrong ways I must have come across—with the one of her before me—laughing with her friends, beautiful and at ease with it, oblivious to the way boys look at her—is laughable. It is nearly unimaginable to me that I could create such a person. She is strong in all the ways I am weak and weak only in the face of a Slurpee.

But I did make her. Sixteen years ago she sprang from me and began creating herself. What Maxine Kumin means, I think, refers to an aspect of biology: before we are born, girls already carry the irreducibly minuscule egg that might one day become a daughter. That ugly-swan, 16-year-old self of mine, awkward and self-doubting and angry, carried the future self of my daughter and so, also, the future self I am right now.

I watched her laugh and I thought backward, to when my mom was trying to cope with me at sixteen and wondered how she bore my innumerable prickles. I thought forward to some future day when Haley has her own sixteen-year-old daughter and is feeling some of what I feel now. Now, right now—I thought about that, too. How I have succeeded, how I have failed. How I can do better. All of us cupped in the bowl of my thoughts.

Comments

[Becky K]

You have such a beautiful daughter. I love the person that she is. Thanks for having her - you both make this world a better place to be.

[Kayci]

What a sweet post. I thought ahead to when I will be doing that same thing with my girls and got a bit emotional over it. Haley is amazing and you are a wonderful mom to her (and your other kids). I'm glad you had a fun day celebrating with her.

[Apryl]

I was just doing the math & realized how soon we'll be to this post. Sigh.

[Lucy]

I don't know your daughter but I love the way you describe her. I think the way you juxtaposition your sixteenth year with hers and then include your own mother into the contrast is an effective visual. I hope hers and your day was happy.

[Wendy]

This post made me cry. I know I won't wax poetic when Bryce hits 16 (nor could I do so with your amazing aplomb). Perhaps, that is why. Perhaps it is because it tugs at my longing for a daughter, while bringing forth equal parts of gratitude that I never have to watch a female offspring navigate the waters that I struggled with so intensely (23 years of life before being asked out on a date makes a girl feel like worm sludge).

I have a beautiful, talented niece who, at 23, has yet to find a significant other. I pray for her frequently and wish I could talk with her more openly, but if I were to attempt that 1) I would probably emit copious amounts of repressed angst and 2) it would seem that I am assuming she struggles with similar sentiments, when she probably is quite secure in her single status.