honest

One thing I have learned about medical issues: they reveal things you might not otherwise see. Let's be honest here:

• I'm really, really tired. Tired especially of hospitals and of the post-op experience. Tired of not being able to shake the constant feeling of impending doom.
• I feel guilty for feeling tired. It wasn't me who suffered a day of excruciating pain, followed by 60-ish hours without food. I'm just the person fetching water refills and taking care of scars and offering encouraging words.
• There is a reason I didn't become a nurse: I am not a nurse. I feel sorry for Kendell and I love him and I wish he felt better. I try my hardest to be nurturing and kind and gentle, to fluff pillows and hover concernedly and care about his large intestine like I should. But somehow I lack the natural ability to nurture without also feeling a little bit resentful. Mostly this is because I would like to be nurtured back.
• I feel guilty for this nurturing failure of mine. It makes me feel like a bad wife and an all-around horrible person.
• When I'm in a certain mood—that I can't take this anymore desperation—I would really prefer you not be nice to me. I know that's odd. But if it hits me at just the right spot, a kind word will totally knock me over. I'll start crying and not stop. So if we're talking and I keep changing the topic back to you, it's because I'm desperately afraid of your kindness. yes. that is weird.
• I don't want to see this, but it keeps tapping my heart: some of the people I thought had my back kind of, well, don't. I thought we were closer than we really are. Maybe that's not a fair assessment to make. But I am left with a feeling that I'm on my own that, like the impending-doom feeling, I cannot shake.
• I'm just a little bit slightly envious. OK, another weird thing to say. But part of me thinks it would be nice to have a recuperation period: ten to 14 days of mostly just lying around. Think of all the reading I could get done!
• I also feel guilty for feeling my tiny bit of envy.
• I have a wart on my forehead.

I know. That last one doesn't really fit. Except for I finally figured out what the bump was (after falling asleep in the chair beside Kendell's hospital bed and having a dream that it was a lump full of bugs) in the hospital. I don't care if it means yet another copay: I'm totally making an appointment with my dermatologist to have it taken off.

And I think I'll need a 10-14 day recuperation period afterward.

Comments

[Margot/NZ]

I am so with you on the not being a nurse thing (and wanting some recuperation period so I can read).
You're on your own with the wart though!

[Melissa K]

I totally get you. I have not had to nurse anyone through a particularly long recuperation, but I think I would struggle with many of the same feelings.

Hugs!

[Britt]

"But somehow I lack the natural ability to nurture without also feeling a little bit resentful. Mostly this is because I would like to be nurtured back."

"I'm desperately afraid of your kindness."

Me, too. Though in a non-surgery related way.

I hope you get a break soon!

[Lucy]

I think your feelings are honest and authentic for a lot of women, even if not expressed. While it may be in our nature to nurture, it doesn't spring from an endless reservoir of our awesomeness. Sounds like your bucket is empty and I hope you can find balance soon.

I hope this week is better. It's got to be, with it being your birthday week and all.

[Pat Passamonte]

Hi Amy, BIG GIANT HUG!!! That's first. I've been where you are, and I so feel for you. I don't know why it's so exhausting to be the supportive one, not the actual sick one, but it is a really draining experience. And I am also NOT a nurse for a very good reason. It's a very isolated helpless place that you've been, and I felt all the stuff you are feeling. Don't be afraid to cry your eyes out, it may be just the thing you need right now. You need a bit of TLC too, and if no one else offers, give some to yourself. And please don't feel guilty for what you feel, it's all ok. Be kind to yourself, you will feel better after a while. Have a good week, I'll be sending you warm wishes for a calm and easy week.

[Mrs. B. Roth]

I hate being a nurse to adults too. When I'm sick or hurt, I soldier on. I resent every glass of water I take up and every dirty dish I bring down. I wanna scream at every used tissue that couldn't be placed in the trash can. I especially hate hearing the pained breathing and watching the agonizing moving. I am a horrible person.

Gimme a sick baby and my heart rips out, but grown-ups ... unless its me, suck it up. :) (I think I have PMS, not usually this venomous)

[Pamela K.]

You are preaching to the choir, sister. I don't mean to sound selfish either when I say this. I am married to a "high maintenance" husband. He has had several surgeries as well. And with each one, I have the same sort of feelings. My hubbies last surgery, he was in so much pain and misery and not only did I feel helpless and exhausted, but resentful as well. And I had my moments that I would cry until I couldn't cry anymore. Just try and hang in there. Here are some (((((Hugs))))) and try to take care of yourself.

[elizabeth]

Whew. The only recovery we've had in this house is when Matt had PRK in 2006... it was an ugly recovery, but only lasted about 4 days. Hang in there... so wishing I could make you dinner!

[Shaunte]

HAHAHA!
I love your posts when you are slightly sleep deprived and ranting...
I totally "get" you too. I am not very nurture-y either. We have other ways that we show our love, right?

[Wendy]

This was actually in a book I read recently. (Healing Waters) In the book, a woman had been severely burned and was assigned a care counselor to work with the whole family. The burn victim's sister, who was providing the majority of support, felt like she wouldn't require the services of this assigned individual, but the counselor was firm that the primary support person requires just as much assistance in that area as the person who has endured the trauma and medical intervention.

[Pat Passamonte]

Hi Amy,

Just one more batch of hugs for you. I really hope things are getting better for you. Have a wonderful Easter.

[Helena]

((hugs))

[Chris S.]

You deserve a 10-14 day recuperation period! Let's go play soon. I totally understand what you mean. I know my life is too crazy when I start wishing my appendix would rupture so I could have some recuperaton time. >>