16 New Ones

Last week I made sixteen scrapbook layouts. Sixteen. In one week. This was all in service of my blogging week at Write. Click. Scrapbook, where I wrote about scrapping for your teens. (Which means that in that pile of sixteen layouts? None were for Kaleb. Which makes me feel guilty and think I need to catch him up.) (If you want to read and/or see what I did, you can click here and then navigate forward through the days.)

I imagine that for some scrapbookers, 16 layouts in five days is no big deal at all. But I am a slow scrapbooker. SLOW. Partly this is because I spend a lot of time on my journaling. Even if I already have a draft written, I still get a little bit obsessive over the editing. And the formatting. I get frustrated with my current font selection so I go in search of something different and then I get sucked into drooling over all the beautiful ones at myfont.com and wishing I had a "font-buying" category in my budget but really knowing that I don't need to spend $15 or $40 or $79.99 on a font. But still wishing I could.

(See how easily the font thing distracts me from my point?)

Partly the slowness comes from agonizing a bit over my design skills. I sometimes feel like the design part of scrapbooking is like a language I never learned to speak or read, so when I try to "speak" it on my layouts, I say weird things. And the people who can read it must, I imagine, shake their heads over my obvious mistakes.

Partly it comes from simply spending time with my photos, looking at them and remembering. I had a conversation with a friend the other day (a non-scrapbooking friend as nearly all of my skin friends are) about how, now that all her photos are digital, she feels like she has less of a relationship with them. Sure—they're there on her computer. But she doesn't look at them hardly ever. Not looking at photos is unimaginable to me. I do it all the time. Since this relationship with photos is nearly always in my thoughts, I also take a lot of photos. I can't imagine being any other way.

On Friday night, when I had wrapped up my blogging week, my stack of 16 layouts was still on my scrapping desk. (I had managed to finally clean up the enormous mess I'd made, but hadn't put the layouts away yet.) Haley saw them, and she sat down and read them all. She made a few corrections (dates I'd messed up). She pointed out a few little embellishment ideas that she liked. But then she said something I'm still thinking about. "These layouts seem like they have less stuff on them than usual. But I really like that."

I keep thinking about her comment because it fits in so well with what my intense week of scrapbooking taught me. I tend to look at other people's layouts and their successes in the scrapbooking world, then turn around and find my own fairly paltry and pathetic. I'm neither trendy nor trendsetting. My layouts are just...me. I wish, quite often, that I could find more success—that my classes drew more students and that my blog was super-popular. It's a little bit disheartening to know that committing myself to be who I am on my layouts hasn't helped to set me apart from anyone.

But I look at that pile of 16 layouts and I know: I was true to myself in every one of them. I did what I do, which is write a lot and obssess over writerly perfection even though I know it's useless to do so and then adjust the width of my journaling space 29 times before printing just to make sure I don't have any bad rag. I used lots of alphabet stickers and lots of patterned paper strips. I used type as my only embellishment. I used quotes that I love and a stamp that is older than Kaleb. I didn't do anything extraordinary with my supplies.

But I put my perfectly-aligned journaling into the same spot as my photographs. I said things I wouldn't have ever said outloud. I recorded details that would otherwise be lost, feelings that are hard to express, and little stories that are priceless to me. I remembered (again) how much I love my kids and how grateful I am to be their mom. I remembered (yet again) that scrapbooking makes me happy.

And I learned a little bit about my own style. All that scrapbooking in a small amount of time? Taught me to be better about not judging my design abilities. To just find a way to make it work and then move forward. That my simple, words-based approach is my thing, and if it doesn't bring me wide-scale scrapbooking popularity? It is OK. Who needs popularity when you compare it to your own sweet kid saying "Mom, I love these layouts!"?

So I am going to try harder. Try harder to keep that self-flagellating voice silent. To not compare myself to other people and wish I had their flair or their way of seeing things or their creativity. To love what I do for no other reason than I did it and now it is done and the story is down, not, now, to be lost.

Comments

[Monika Wright]

Hmmm, I don't think I've done 16 layouts in the last 4 months. You're awesome. And for your teen daughter to sit there, read them all, really look at them long enough to tell you what she liked and was able to assess that you had a bit different style than you usually have? All worth it. Who cares about what others think, the adoration of family {and especially our children} is what I would go for any.day.of.the.week.

[Elizabeth]

Au contraire about the not setting yourself apart part. I find you to be wholly inspiring in every possible way when it comes to storytelling and writing : )

[karen]

i'm gonna have to agree with elizabeth! :)

[Jill Broyles]

I agree with the ladies above. You are on my blogroll. As I said on the WCS comments, I am loving what you have inspired me to write and scrapbook about today. Never let your authentic voice be stymied by what you might think others do. Never compare your beautiful words with others, because this is your story. That unique style is recognized and rewarded by your daughters words. You go girl!

[Kary in Colorado]

You have inspired me to write, and write well. The WCS posts last week were wonderful. I'll take any class you teach!

[Kasandra Mathieson]

Love your insights and deep thinking Amy...and like Monika, I think how special is that, that your teenage daughter is looking at them all and loving them! Some of the pages I've made lately are more art with less journaling and I realized on my last one how that is not really me. I like words on my pages and the story behind the picture and so I am going to be true to that more! Your post was a timely reminder of that to me...thanks for sharing.

[Margot/NZ]

You may not have the biggest class roll on BPC, but I am absolutely sure that every one of the students who worked alongside you on your classes recommends your classes to others. That certainly applies to me! I adore your blog as one where the words are central - that makes you different to many others (but note different is not 'worse' nor is it 'better'!). Please just keep being you (self-flagelating and all).