Whirlwind's Eye

 

One of my favorite songs lately is this one, "Shake it Out" by Florence + The Machine.

"I can never leave the past behind / I can see no way, I can see no way / I'm always dragging that horse around": recent past and old past, I do drag it around, and it is hard to dance with that devil on my back. And even though it might not seem like it I don't really blog about everything in my life—I do keep some things to myself.

And there've been a lot of those kept-to-myself things lately.

Sometimes it seems like all of life is just adding and adding to the past we drag around. Things I feel guilty for—both the real, useful sort of guilt and the useless, weighty kind that only has the power to damage. Things I feel hurt over. Disappointments. I try to keep it all, at least, behind me, so it isn't the only focus of my thoughts. But sometimes it overtakes me and I stumble around in a whirlwind of self doubt.

I was in that storm this morning.

But I also needed fabric softener. So I went to Target anyway, and while I was there I came across an old friend, Julie. We worked together twenty years ago, in the old WordPerfect days, and were immediate kindred spirits. But after we both got married, and life got busy in the way it does, and she moved to North Carolina for awhile, we lost touch except for Christmas cards. I've not seen her, except for a brief encounter in the men's department at JC Penney during the mad December shopping days, for years. But we stood and talked in front of the paper plates at Target for a half hour, like the pause in our friendship had just happened yesterday. She reminded me of a piece of myself I had forgotten, one who was infinitely more cheerful and faithful. I'd forgotten I could feel that until Julie reminded me this morning.

And then, when we wrapped it up and promised to call each other for lunch and I went down the laundry aisle, my friend Wendy called me, and we talked for another half hour while I finished shopping and checked out (even though I try not to talk on my cell when I'm checking out...today I needed it) and drove home and put my stuff away. She said some things I needed to hear to bolster my courage to take some steps I need to take.

Am I ready to suffer in a different way? Am I ready to hope? To bury the horse? The only thing stopping me is fear. Fear, and habit, because what if the changes I want to happen actually happened? The things that are dragging at my heels are at least familiar. At least my dark spaces are known. I can navigate them with my heart closed.

I don't know. I don't know if the steps lead up or down.

But today, in the midst of my whirlwind life gave me an eye. A peaceful moment. And that gives me courage that there will be other moments. That maybe I could be free of the devils.

Comments

[becky]

Sending you hugs!! Your post made me think of the way our needs are so often met not by angels but by those around us who answer the thought to call/visit/text. So glad your friends helped you today. :)

[becky]

Oh, and would you share that Cd with your sister??? Pretty please???

[Susan Ringler]

Wow Amy! I "stumbled" on your blog this morning and I am so glad I did. Of course I know who you are and i have taken your classes but when I changed computers I lost some of my blog follows.

I love your writing and I love the song--- it is so true! Thanks for being authentic and here's to letting go of the fear.