Twenty years ago today, I got married.
Why we chose February as the month to get married is beyond my recollection (or, frankly, understanding). I do vaguely remember my beloved joking that with our anniversary being so close to Valentine's day, we could totally save a whole bunch of time and money by celebrating both at once.
I seriously thought he was joking.
Despite the fact that I don't love the month of my anniversary, I confess that it is pretty cool that we made it this far. Twenty years—two decades—twice my lifetime. It makes me think about a conversation I had with a friend recently, one who's been divorced and is now remarried and much happier in her second marriage—but still sad about the loss of so many years. "You and Kendell have so much history together," she said. "It will take so long for us to have all those connections."
She's right. Twenty years builds up a lot of history. Dinners out and dinners in and dinners eaten standing up at the counter and not a few eaten in bed in front of the tv. Vacations. Long drives. Holidays. Family parties. Losses. Joys. Lots of photos, lots of medical experiences, lots of trips to the grocery store, the gas station, the pharmacy. Big events---graduations, births, deaths. Small moments---a familiar smile, feet against feet under the covers, a laugh at an inside joke.
Four amazing, wonderful children.
Lots of arguments. Lots of discussions. Lots of disagreements. Lots of compromises. In fact, if someone were to ask me what one of the secrets of staying married, I'd say: be willing to love and forgive as hard as you are willing to fight. Maybe that is our only secret.
When I was my nearly-twenty self on the day I got married, I had no idea what it would be like. I thought marriage would be about romance. That sleeping in the same bed with someone you love would be the ultimate experience. That happiness would be easy. I know now that happiness is elusive, snuggling is fairly overrated, and romance isn't the point most of the time. Marriage is just about living, trying to live with each other and to make a life together that makes you both happy enough. I don't know if that sounds jaded—I hope not. It is honest.
But what I also didn't know when I was a 19-year-old newlywed was the peace that would be built upon the continuity of our history. The days building upon the days, stacking up into a new structure we can't really even describe even though we live on top of it. It is a blessing, that structure. It is a life, one we both love.
This made me weep. Thank you.
Posted by: wendy | Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 06:43 AM
Happy Anniversary.
Posted by: Stephanie W | Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 10:23 AM
Feet against feet...yeah, I get that. Hope the day was great. Love you both.
Posted by: becky | Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 08:51 PM