I've been blogging this week at Write. Click. Scrapbook. If you are of the scrapbook persuasion you should check it out!
Today, though, here on my blog, I'm joining in on this. The point of the experience is to blog about the things that are in your heart—weighing heavy or making you joyful. I've done this before (and hello....the first item on both lists is nearly identical!), but this time my heart is a little bit heavier. As I have a strong belief in the cathartic power of writing, however, I'm going to share the heaviness. Even though it might annoy someone.
Here is what is in my heart right now:
1. I have had several moments this week of thinking "I am so proud of you" about each one of my kids. I mean, I’m always proud of them. But you know when you have that moment of really seeing them as a person who is amazing? You think I can’t believe I got to help make this creature. I love those moments. I love my kids, each one, for their strengths and their foibles and their funny things and even their messy bedrooms. I can’t even...I’m just feeling so blessed to be the mother of THESE children. These souls.
2. That said, I am slightly terrified about summer’s rapid approach. (Tomorrow is Nathan & Kaleb’s last day, and really it’s Jake & Haley’s too, even though they still have three days next week.) The terror comes in knowing myself: I get grumpy when I don’t have some solitude. I don’t like that about myself, but it is the truth. I don’t want to be Grumpy-All-Summer Mom. I’m really, really wanting to figure out a way for us to STICK to a schedule, which is always my goal I fail at miserably, but maybe this year will be different?
3. I am feeling a deep disappointment in my neighbors. When I decided to pull my kids out of the public school down the street and put them in a charter school, someone said "they are going to get left out of stuff in your neighborhood" and I said "no way, my neighbors are awesome, they would never do that." Well, not so much. I understand that the kids going to school together form a different sort of bond, but would it really kill them to include Nathan when they go to the rec center all together? And quit with the snide comments like "I really don’t like that kid"? And the tent exclusion at scout camp outs? (If you are wondering...I don’t think any of those neighbors read my blog, but even if they do see it, at this point I’m so sad and frustrated I don’t even care.)
4. On a similar note, Haley told me about a conversation she had with a friend who told her she shouldn’t be such good friends with two other kids: one is gay, the other sometimes smokes pot. "You should only surround yourself with people you want to be like," this friend told her. Sigh. Again: this is not a Christian thing to do. It isn’t what Christ did. And sure: if all of her friends were potheads I’d be concerned. Or if the pot-smoker were smoking around her or pressuring her to do it too. But none of those things are happening. Aren’t we supposed to love the sinner even while we hate the sin? And be friendly and supportive to people who need it? This attitude makes me insane because it is based on judgement. It takes me back to how it felt to be my rebellious teenage self who was partly rebelling against this very same attitude. No one knows why people make the choices they do. No one gets to judge us except for God. Honestly, I’m proud of Haley for knowing better.
5. In June I am going to Mexico with my Bigs and my sister and mom. Part of me is so excited for this I can hardly stand it. (Running on the beach! Hanging out at the beach! Those coconut smoothies they have at the Costco in Cabo!) Part of me is terrified. I enjoy the beach but I never LOVE being there because I’m always afraid someone’s going to drown. Reading about the beaches in Cabo hasn’t made me feel better because they all have big waves and steep drop-offs and rip tides. My mixed feelings about the beach feel like a personal weakness. Isn’t the whole world supposed to love and adore the beach? My fears make me feel like I am not brave.
6. Right after I get back from Mexico is Ragnar. This has consumed my thoughts! I am feeling confident. I feel like I’ve prepared as well as I can. I’m doing two more long uphill runs, but I am ready. Feeling confident, however, makes me anxious. I keep imagining worse-case scenarios. Why do I overthink things? Why can’t I just feel confident and move forward?
Tell me...what is in YOUR heart? If you decide to play along, grab the image, write your innermost thoughts, then share a link!