Mormon in America: My Version

One day, one of my good friends and I were talking about the gospel. She knows some of the sordid details of my past, and on this day when we were talking, she said something to me that filled me with a peace I rarely have concerning my faith. "It must seem so strange to you, the way we try to live as LDS believers," she said, "after all those years of knowing about it but not living it." I loved that she said that first and foremost because it reminded me why we are friends: she doesn’t just not judge me, but she tries to imagine things from my perspective. But her comment also validated the reasons behind my uneasy peace with being a Mormon. It does, quite often, feel strange. I don’t say this as a criticism of the church, exactly, but as one of my truths: some of the ways that the doctrines get interpreted bother me, and that comes straight out of my history.

I don’t blog a lot about my faith. Mostly this is because of my shortcomings as a writer: it is easy to drift into sentimentality when you’re writing about spiritual things, and I don’t always know how to put what I feel into words. But it’s also because of my shortcomings with my faith itself: I assume that almost anyone reading my words is rolling their eyes over my beliefs, or there is so much back story that to get to the point of my realization is just too much, or that those who are also LDS are much stronger than I am and so wouldn’t understand my ponderings. So I mostly write about it in my journal and keep it to myself.

But after this weekend’s NBC report about Mormonism in America, I have a few things to say. I’ve been surprised at how many of my LDS friends didn’t like the report; they thought they focused too much on people who are on the fringes instead of the steady, stalwart families. I thought, however, that they included a wider ranges of perspective to give—well, a wider perspective. Because despite what Juleen Jackson (the woman whose family was on the show) said in an interview after the program, 98% of Mormons don’t function like her family. I don’t have a statistic for how many do, but I don’t believe it’s almost all of the church.

Perspective and personal history do get wrapped up in how anyone lives the gospel. Someone like Juleen Jackson, who has lived the gospel her entire life and never even drank a Coke, has a different way of looking at the world than I do. Neither perspective is wrong, but I do have an issue with those who assume that every family works like their family. In my opinion, that is where the idea of the LDS homogenization comes from: good, strong, LDS families who do everything they should (scripture reading, family prayer, family home evening, pay tithing, never missing church, support scouting whole-heartedly, fast on every fast Sunday, go to the temple every week, never drink a Coke) quite often (but not always, as my friend taught me) assume that every other Mormon family also does everything they should. But let’s just be realistic here: they don’t.

Or at least, my family fails. (Translation: I fail.) While we watched the program, Kendell and I both had moments of thinking out loud: what if our family was representing the church on national television? Our story is much different. Take, for example, our house every Sunday before church, when I find myself raising my voice and getting frustrated because once again I am arguing with one kid or another about the fact that yes, we are going to church, even though said kid hates it/thinks it’s boring/doesn’t feel like he or she belongs/doesn’t want to wear church clothes/is too tired/points out that we already went to church last week so really? again? And the thing that spurs my anger and frustration with this weekly debate is, deep down, me feeling like if I had lived the gospel better, or not had such a rough start, or been a stronger example, my kids wouldn’t feel like they do.

But there is also the truth that I am imperfect. And I know, that’s a dumb thing to say because everyone is imperfect. But I also know there are people who are much closer to perfection. I look at a family like the Jacksons on the NBC program and I think: I won’t ever have that level of perfection. My choices as well as my weaknesses, personality, and circumstances haven’t brought that sort of lifestyle to me. And if I let it, this knowledge would make me give up on living the gospel. If I believed, like Juleen Jackson, that the only good version of Mormondom is her version, there wouldn’t be any reason to try.

But I cannot believe that.

I have to believe that my very imperfect efforts are understood by the Lord. I have to believe that what other people might judge me for is seen differently by the Savior, who knows my past, my current issues, and my potential, too. I have to believe that for me it doesn’t matter what level of spirituality other families attain, just like it doesn’t matter to me if someone has a gay child or a rebellious one or even—gasp—a feminist in their midst. The only thing that matters is what we do as a family, and that we keep on trying, and that we make it to church even if I’m prickly for the first half and we’re nearly always late. I have to believe that my very imperfect version of being a Mormon in America is equally valid and not—as it sometimes feels—deeply shameful.

I confess: I still have that rebellious, questioning Amy inside of me. Sometimes I roll my eyes when I hear other members’ opinions, especially when they involve judging others. I struggle and I question and I don’t always agree. Sometimes I look at the things I feel so guilty over and realize that to most of the world they are downright silly as far as sinning goes; I go to church and try to follow Christ and I strive to also be myself, and if that isn’t enough, what is? Most of the time I am exactly like Joanna Brooks: bothered by the patriarchy. I don’t judge others by their faults but sometimes I struggle with judging them for their perfections. I listen to what is taught and sometimes I have to struggle to make it fit with what my heart tells me. Plenty of things I just simply don’t have a response for and have to, instead, have faith that I will one day understand.

But the other side of that coin, inexplicably intertwined, is the fact that I also know it is true. That is a vague statement and it’s one of the reasons I don’t blog about my faith much. "I know it is true" is based almost entirely on feeling. It is based on the strum of my soul responding to the truths (as opposed to the traditions) of the gospel: believe in Christ, live the golden rule, try to be like Christ. Help others, be loving and gentle, put aside yourself and go to work. The knowing is based on some concrete things, but mostly on the abstract, the inexplicable, the things in my heart that no one else can see. Despite my imperfections and failures and shortcomings, I still believe and I still keep trying, and that is how it feels for me, being a Mormon in America.

Comments

[Jenna]

I missed the show. I appreciate your perspective - not everyone is perfect - even the perceived perfect ones. Everyone has some sort of battle whether with the past or the future. I grew up in Utah outside of the Mormon church. We live away now, but when I return & attend church there, I sometimes feel an inkling of what it felt like then & what drove me crazy there. It feels different to be away, to go to church not because it was socially expected but because it's (usually) where I want to be. Sunday mornings? It's mostly a fight at my house too. I am happy when I go though.

[Suzanne]

What a great viewpoint. We recently moved to Utah and are not part of the LDS church. And while my husband thinks I am nuts, I worry that my lifestyle is going to offend my neighbors. Not that we are a bad family but I do drink coke and coffee, I like to wear tank tops, and we sometimes do more than just relax with family on Sundays. But we moved to a great, welcoming neighborhood and my neighbors are showing me that it does not matter that we are not LDS.

And just so you know, we have the same issues about going to church on Sunday.

[heidikins]

I haven't seen the program yet, but I really appreciate your honest post about it,and about you.

xox

[Vickie]

I think you are correct in saying that 98% of us don't function like the Jackson family (or how they seemed to function).
The only part of the NBC program that I objected to was when the showed the garments. I thought that was quite disrespectful.
As for those 'steady, stalwart families' that you referred to, I know personally that what you see isn't necessarily what is reality.
I appreciate your comments.

[Chris S.]

Amen! You captured my thoughts and feelings that I've been trying to formulate. Love you :)

[Apryl]

Good post, Amy. And agreed!

[Michele]

So many of our insecurities come from feeling judged. The real secret is that even the "perfect" families have issues, but since we can't see those issues, we measure ourselves against an impossible standard. I too am grateful for a Savior who knows me and knows my heart!
I really enjoyed your post!

[Leslie Kelly]

Dear Amy,
you dont know me, and I found this because of the Big Picture Big Idea Festival, then the link to the post there, then I saw this in your list of posts. I am not mormon, nor do I personally know anyone who is. But I have a friend who has some women in her life that are, and they are NORMAL like you are. They struggle, they try, they fail, they struggle some more. They question, and they are REAL. Just like you say in your Big idea thought: Happiness now, not whenever I......

But this post struck a chord in my heart, and I lived like you for most of my life. But as I have grown in in the grace of God, I no longer live under a shadow of guilt. I say that because in my faith in Christ, I am learning that HE is the one who has done, and still does does the work of perfecting. And out of my deep joy and abiding in him, I no longer struggle to live like him. It is my joy and my privilege to honor him by living according to his plan for my life. He gave his very life for me. He loves me deeply, purely and fully. He knows me, and since He is one with His Father, the Father loves me this way too. What else can my response be than to look up with gratefulness in my heart and say: I love you too. So by accepting his gift of salvation as a free gift, my love comes back to him in joyful, heartfelt obedience. I am NOT striving for perfection. I dont have to. Christ is perfect and lives in me. And the Father sees me as perfect because Christ took my sins upon himself on the cross and died for them, therefore becoming my substitute; my perfect sacrifice. So my service to him is out of gratitude of heart for the gift of salvation and for including me in his grace and mercy. It is so freeing to live this way, and puts a paradigm shift in my relationship with Christ. I hope this does not offend you in any way. it is not meant to. It is just to let you see another piece of the puzzle that perhaps your heart is longing for.

I screw up. Big time! I make a multitude of mistakes and blunders. I say the wrong thing, act selfishly and sometimes, out of frustration I yell at my kids, the people whom I love the most in the whole world. But the goal here is not to strive for perfection so I can gain Christ. It is, now that I have Christ, to honor him in all that I do. And when I fail, I recognize it, confess it, and move on. All the while realizing that his mercy and grace cover me. And they are sufficient for you, too.