on Getting in the Frame

A few months ago I was doing laundry when I had what I thought was a brilliant idea. I was hanging up a load of blacks and I looked at all those black clothes and thought...hmmmmm. I wonder how long I could go wearing a different black shirt every day. I decided I’d try it in September, and then in my head I was writing blog posts about black clothes and sharing photos of myself in said black clothes, also on my blog.

But when it came right down to it, I couldn’t do it.

Not the black clothes thing. I’m nine days into my black shirts and still have some left. (On days I haven’t worked or left the house except to drive the carpool, I’ve just worn whatever, since I’ve learned I don’t have a lot of hanging-out-at-home black clothes.) But the picture thing.

Partly this is because my skills at taking an arms’ length photo are dismal. Partly it’s because there’s just not a good place in my house to take self portraits in the mirror. Partly it’s because the self-portraits aren’t matching up with the photographs in my head, so then for a couple of days I turned the camera over to my kids. But that was, somehow, even harder. I couldn’t relax and got all fake-smiley and those things started repeating in my head: you’re being silly, isn’t a photo of yourself everyday a sort of diva-ish thing to do?, who will want to see all those wrinkles anyway? Etc, etc, etc.

So I gave up on the picture thing.

Which is a little bit discouraging to me because I really, really believe that we moms need to be in the picture more often. Even with our ________________ (wrinkles, chubbiness, grey hair, unplucked eyebrows). I believe this because I wish I had more pictures of myself with my mom when I was a kid. And with my dad.(Remember this post?) I believe it because of how happy I am to have photos of my kids and me together, how they help me remember how blessed I am to be a mom to those four unique people. And I believe it because I know that while "mother" is often an essential part of our self definition, it’s not the only part.

And really: it’s ok that the black-clothes-photo thing didn’t work out. (Even though I still have the wish to document my silly little clothing collection.) Because even though I feel silly asking, and even though those things start repeating in my head (silly, selfish, weird), I still know that photographic proof of myself is important. It helps me remember things better and makes me feel more involved. And sure: not everyone gets it. Just because I’m thinking "how can I photograph this?" in almost every situation I find myself in doesn’t mean that the whole world thinks like that, so a spontaneous photograph-of-Amy isn’t likely to happen all that often. I’ll always have to ask. Despite the awkwardness, though, it is worth it. If I hadn’t asked, for example, Kendell to take my picture during a recent hike, I wouldn’t have this photograph

of me doing one of my most favorite thing in the world. Sure, I would still remember that day on that mountain, but having an image to return to—seeing myself in that setting, with the sky so low you can almost touch it and the darkness in the clouds hinting at rain, those peaks and trees—all of that sheer visualness of the image combines with memory to make the memories stronger.

How do you get yourself in the frame?

Comments

[Valerie]

Excellent insight! Plus, I also watched your big idea about the Happy Ever After on Big Picture Classes today, and I have to say - you are me! You know what I mean... I have the exact same "issues", the Happily Ever After syndrome I could call it. Your big idea was extremely insightful and helpful to me, and very eye opening. So, THANK YOU! I've never seen your blog before, but I am going to subscribe ASAP. Nice "meeting you"!

[Kasandra Mathieson]

Thanks for this reminder Amy! So true ...and so often if I'm in the picture my eyes are closed! So lately, whenever I ask someone to take a picture I ask them to take two but that seems kind of "vain-ish" too but I make myself do it or otherwise I will have a picture of me that I can't use!!

[Vickie]

I am on a weight loss journey and because I want to document it, I am becoming less shy about asking for my picture to be taken. While we were camping recently, I fell through a cattle guard. My husband rushed over to help me and I quickly handed him the camera so he could take a picture of me in that glorious position.
I also loved your Big Idea video. Your words spoke to me and will help me get through some issues I'm having right now. Thanks.

[Becky K]

You know me, I love the self portrait. (Although, with my phone & being able to actually SEE the picture now before I snap it I'm getting self-conscious of how I look...is my nose really that crooked??) But, yeah. I just swallow my pride anymore and ask - take my picture. Even though I feel silly. Even though it seems vain. You know what happens if you don't.

Seriously LOVE the photo of you on your hike. Gorgeous - mountains, sky, terrain, you!

[Nancy M]

I just viewed your entry today on BPC... and printed the transcript... and printed other entries you've made on your blog... and now bookmarked your blog for future reading. You've done so much for me today in the past hour... thank you!

[Tamara]

Your Big Idea video was SO good, Amy. I have been a visitor to your blog, and enjoyed your work at BigPicture and WCS. Your "Happily Ever After" insights were especially thought provoking. So many women struggle with this. Thanks for such a wonderful Big Idea. By the way, you looked really wonderful for your "close-up" ... and lots of us WILL buy that book. So get busy!

[Margot/NZ]

I'm not in the frame enough, but I'm trying to get more pictures that include me. Shadows are great - OK, so it's only the outline, but it can tell a story and you can take as many shots as you need to get it right.
I'm also trying to use the self-timer more; this is more difficult as it invites feelings of self-consciousness; however I'm trying it when I'm alone and just tell that inner voice that says 'this is stupid' to hush up. I got a great photo of me shelving in the dungeon (ahem, I mean stackroom) a few months ago, not something I'd ever be able to ask anyone else to hold the camera for!