Playing along with Stephanie. The goal is to write what is in your heart...the good, the hard, the sad, the joyful.
1. Ever since the layoffs I’ve been filled with anxiety. I just don’t know what’s coming. Or, more precisely, when. What gets me is I felt like we were just on the cusp of trusting the future more. We were talking about maybe moving. Some vacations we want to take. Now with the thread of unemployment I am back to feeling stuck. Stifled. I don’t know what to do: sit tight, start spending way less and saving as much as we can? Or be proactive and find something new? What I do know is that I’ve done unemployed-husband before. It is Not. Fun. I don’t want to do it again. Also, I blame the gap in our family mostly on unemployment. What will it take from me this time?
2. Along the same line...and this is not me complaining about my life. (I just wrote about how grateful I am for our goldilocks moment.) But as Kendell has considered different career options, and we’ve talked about how he’s never really decided what he wanted to be when he grows up, he’s pointed out that it’s not like I went to school with the goal of being a librarian. And that’s true. My truest, deepest wish is that I had gotten my PhD and was right now a university English professor. But, you know...I got married. I built a house. I had children and I invested my heart into my family. I don’t regret that for a second. But there is always that tug...that what if. That dreaming about an Amy in alternate universe who has the family, and the house, and the dream career. Tug. Tug.
3. I am starting to trust my ankle more. I’m astounded, actually, at how three PT appointments have made it feel. Not 100% yet, and I confess that the whole time I think “don’t fall down, don’t fall down” and I’m not sure I’ll ever do it without that slight hesitation, but: I’ve started running again! I am building up slowly. The track at our rec center is this dismal little thing—you have to do 6 and 1/5 laps for a mile. But I’m starting there, running a lap, walking a lap, ten reps to make sure I’m getting in three miles. After five days of that, I’ll switch it to run two, walk one. Until I’m feeling brave again.
4. On the other side of that coin, I’m failing pretty dismally at my diet. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel...thick. I said something about this to Nathan and he said “Mom! Look around you! There are lots of people who are chubbier than you.” (He tries so hard to help people feel positive.) And he’s right...it could be worse. But I don’t want to slide down a slope I can’t climb out of, and having hypothyroidism makes the weight-loss thing a steep uphill climb. I’ve been doing OK at eating less wheat (after reading The Wheat Belly), but chocolate? Not so much. (It is gluten free though!)
5. We’ve had some rough battles with Jakey. Normal teenage stuff, but sometimes I feel utter despair. Then I remember that I feel that way because I love him so much, and want him to fulfill his potential and be a happy grown-up man. Watching Haley as she makes some choices I wish she wouldn’t and some choices I am so proud about, I am learning that part of being the mom to non-littles (because none of them are grown ups yet) is mostly about letting them know you love them and trying to keep them safe and hoping that they chose wisely...but knowing that your influence over those choices is waning. Somehow knowing that makes the battle easier because it eliminates a barrier. In the end, he is the only one who can make the choices he makes for his life. I can only coach, and hope, and maybe cajole and definitely cheer and sometimes make things better but only if I can...but he has to choose.
6. Hmmmm. All of that makes it seem like I am feeling gloomy, but in most ways I am not. I made a conscious choice at the beginning of January to be productive with my projects and goals, and to just tuck myself into my house and be happy doing things I love. Just recuperating from the busy-ness that happened from October till the end of the holidays. And for the most part, I have. Aside from the inversion we’ve had (we had the worst air quality in the entire nation for several days), I’ve thoroughly enjoyed January.
7. I haven’t fulfilled my goal yet, though, of taking more photos. Tomorrow I’m going to rectify that! It’s raining right now as I write this, and I’m hoping I’ll wake up to snow, but whatever the weather, pictures tomorrow.
What’s in your heart right now? Link me up if you join in!