feeling a complicated swirl of emotions: the old feeling that I missed a choice somewhere and there is something I'm not doing that I was supposed to; a sort of embarrassment about the average-ness of my life; anxiety over teenagers (which continues to manifest itself in terrifying dreams, none of which has involved the sheer terror of missing fingers); pride over teenagers; frustrated that changes I want to happen just simply aren't happening but I don't know how to make them happen.
thinking quite a bit about my faith. I have a sudden flurry of doubts and questions and uncertainties and annoyances. I haven't felt this way about being a Mormon since I was a teenager.
planning for our upcoming hike in Yosemite (I won a spot in the lottery to hike Half Dome!) by doing a lot of hiking. Not hikes that have a goal—not to a peak or a waterfall or an overlook—but just for time. I feel like I'm getting stronger in different ways.
missing the days on my trip when I got to be with Haley. And my mom. And my sister. Undoubtedly the trip has left me with a slight ache, because things were so calm and gentle. Sometimes my life feels exactly the opposite of that.
peeling, but just on my shoulders.
realizing that while I always feel like I don't gain weight on my face, I do—because when I start running longer distances, the (very tiny bit of) weight I am able to lose comes off of my face (the other part? my chest. Where I never gain anything. Sweetness.) I was putting in my contacts this morning and saw that I have my summer face on. A little bit sharper angles.
dealing with my new contact routine. I've worn the same kind of contacts for so long I can't even remember when I started: the kind that you put in for an entire month without ever taking them out (even for sleeping). I never had any problems with them until this spring, when I started developing Zombie Eye all the time. Finally the eye doctor figured out that I've developed a sensitivity to regular saline. So now I have to used this special stuff that requires six hours to neutralize. Which means I can't sleep in my contacts anymore. This is nearly untenable...but I'm really trying to deal. And/or saving money so I can finally just get my eyes fixed.
sleeping poorly. This always happens to me after a trip; my sleeping psyche gets all confused, so I wake up at night thinking, in my head, that I am in my hotel room but seeing, with my eyes, my real bedroom. The first night I was home, I got out of bed because I was stressed about the "hotel" door being open, and then I freaked out because I thought the carpet in our bedroom was sandy water, and the ocean had gotten in. (Freaked out like...I woke Kendell up and he had to talk me down.) Last night I just thought my mom was in the bed with me, instead of Kendell, and I couldn't figure out when she started snoring! This will taper off in a few more days.
reading nothing. I just (today!) finished Dreams of Gods and Monsters. I haven't decided what to read next.
hoping my legs will be strong enough for Ragnar this weekend. That I've trained enough and that I just don't fall.
trying to know what the best advice for my mom is. She needs to decide whether or not to have a surgery to repair her scoliosis. 33% of people who have this surgery (which requires about two months of hospital/rehab stay) receive no pain relief. I know the pain from her back is sapping her spirit, because it forces her to not do much, and what is life if you can't go outside for a walk or to water your flowers? But I'm also, I confess, terrified because I know the chances of surgery complications increase with her age. I wish I could fix it for her somehow. Or help her to know for sure what she should do.
needing to get my hair colored and cut, a pedicure, and an eyebrow wax. I will definitely do the eyebrow wax this week!
What's happening in your world this lovely summer Sunday?