Thirsty for Color
Much Needed

Time Bends

"Time is not a line but a dimension, like the dimensions of space. If you can bend space you can bend time also, and if you knew enough and could move faster than light you could travel backward in time and exist in two places at once."
~from Cat's Eye, by Margaret Atwood

If I could have one super power, one Heroes-esque quality, one tiny spec of God's knowledge, it would be that ability: to know enough and to move faster than light, to bend time and exist in two places at once. Sometimes, though, despite the lack of knowledge and speed, time bends. It almost folds back on itself, you can nearly look through the dimension and see yourself, at the same place but a different time, a beloved time, a time you want to return to.


Nearly five years ago, I sat here, at this table.Disneyland
My three oldest were running around Disneyland with their cousins, and Kaleb was hungry. So I sat here, in this nearly-deserted little spot, to nurse him. The flowers were different—mums, I think—and the season: October. But it was still chilly, a little. It was the same iron scroll chairs, the same cheerful decor and faux Swiss architecture, the same vague tinkling from It's a Small World. Back at that moment, I tossed the blanket over my shoulder (the expertise nursing-in-public movement that comes with four babies) and snuggled up with the warm baby, sipped a hot chocolate and thought about how perfect a moment it was. I savored, hard as I could, the minutes of sitting there, just outside the Pinocchio ride. I never expected to take my four-month-old baby to Disneyland, but we did, and it made the experience even sweeter. (Plus: all those stroller passes!) I nearly asked Kendell to take a picture, but as I hate asking that, I didn't.

I wish I had.

So on Thursday, when I found myself at Disneyland again, I took a picture. Then I sat in the exact same spot and I thought about how much life has changed since that sweet moment, and how it hasn't. I thought about time passing, my children growing up, how I expected that their ages would change but I never imagined how our relationships would, too. I wished with everything I had that I could bend time and sit in a chair behind that younger version of myself; I wish I could step back into her heart and feel the exact way I did at that exact moment, instead of just remembering it. I thought about a future day, too, when maybe I would come to Disneyland again, and visit that same spot. What might that older version tell me to appreciate about this moment, right now?

Time bends. Not really, but I could almost, almost make out my alternate versions. My eyes might have filled up. Then Kaleb ran to me and bumped my leg with his shoulder and told me about the Dumbo ride, which was good but could we please go back to Space Mountain now? And time, like it does, kept moving forward. I took his hand and we strode off together toward Tomorrowland.



I've had a few, precious few, moments like this. Thanks for writing this down and reminding me of them.


such a beautiful piece, thanks for sharing.


You have such an ability to funnel energy into your writing. I feel sad now. Not depressed, but I feel..well..maybe like you feel, though I haven't had that exact experience. That's some power there, Amy.

I hope that, overall, Disneyland was fun and the new time will give you fresh memories to enjoy.


I can see myself doing the same thing. I cannot experience one event (say, Christmas, or visiting a place we haven't been for a while) without simultaneously remembering the last time I visited/experienced that place. It is a tiny form of torture, I think, that we perform on ourselves. But torture that feels a little bit good, because of its quality of bittersweet. I hope that your new memories will mean just as much next time you visit.

Thanks for your texts; I wish I had been there with you!


One of the best you've ever written. Very cool.


I'm totally following you now, Amy! (Hooray for internet stalkers!!!) I do the same thing as Becky, torture myself with bittersweet memories. Especially around the holidays. Being with my family makes me so emotional and happy and moody and crabby and excited and sad.

And I love Disneyland.




I was there!

On Thursday!

I sat in those exact chairs.

How were we in Disneyland at the same time without knowing it?


Your writing is beautiful - thought provoking, vivid, necessary for me to read. Thank you.


You have such a talent for writing! I love reading these!

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