redemption, of a sort
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
you know those moments when something sparks—a song on the radio, maybe, or just the way the light is falling on the mountain, or a text or a sound or a random scent—and suddenly you're crying over whatever the spark shattered in you? And then you're crying over everything—the thing your daughter said, the lingering tension from a cold shoulder, the bill you're stressing over—and thinking maybe you shouldn't be driving because you're crying too hard but you really want to get home so you blink furiously and put on your sunglasses and make it home only to collapse in a weepy puddle in the front room?
Life and its troubles seemed like too much there, for a moment. An ugly moment.
The loud and persistent and startlingly spring-like sound of birds got me off of the floor. Birds! in February, on the coldest, driest day I can remember besides yesterday. I wandered to windows, trying to track which tree they were in, and found them out my kitchen window, in my apple tree. A whole flock of birds, fifty at least. Fat little birds with white feet and bodies that looked black in the shade but turned glossy and limned by rainbow in the sunlight. They chirped and flicked and clicked their beaks together, fighting over the lingering apples. The sound they made was pure joy. My tree a happy oasis in their flight to where ever.
And nothing changed. I still have that thing my daughter said; there is still a cold shoulder and the bill I don't know what to do with. My world still seems impossible. But, somehow, possible at the same time. Being a witness to this feasting by birds brought me redemption, of a sort. It made the ache slow down. They spoke their small, bright bird vowels, they fluttered each other off of apples; as a group at some sound I couldn't hear they stopped in fright, utterly silent and then, at some clue I didn't recognize, they moved again. And I, in my own fright and silence, began to move again, too.
Posted by: Jamie | Wednesday, February 02, 2011 at 01:01 PM
Amen to Jamie's thought ... and oh yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. Sometimes I've stopped short and just stood in awe, listening to all those birds. I wonder if it's the same group? Sometimes there are at least 100 of them in the giant trees near our house too ... and at the most unlikely of times. Maybe they migrated from your block to ours or vice versa. I'm glad they were in your tree today.
Posted by: Judy | Wednesday, February 02, 2011 at 02:06 PM
Posted by: Becky K | Wednesday, February 02, 2011 at 03:18 PM
I know the exact moment of climax when everything pushes past tolerable into the realm of overwhelming and horrible. In fact, as I think back to the last time this happened, my memory longs for chirping birds as pure exhaustion from crying was the only deterrent to my own tears. Sleep is usually my redemption. Not to suggest your weight is made so by fatigue. I like the idea that because they are not, the birds were/are, indeed, a tender mercy. Yes, I like that.
Your beautiful way of thinking and writing always astounds me.
Posted by: Lucy | Wednesday, February 02, 2011 at 04:47 PM