Perception

Yesterday morning, I found myself standing on the sidewalk in our neighborhood, talking to my friend Jamie for a few minutes. The woman who lives in the house we were standing in front of opened her front room drapes and, at that instant, right in the middle of talking to Jamie, I had this weird little moment. I wondered how that woman, who I know from church and from her blog, but not really well, sees me.

I go through the world thinking a certain way about myself, and I assume everyone else thinks the same: a flighty woman who's almostput together, late to everything. A bit unreliable but with good intentions. Strong opinions that I rarely share out loud. A messy pony tail more often than not.

I don't think I portray strong, confident womanhood or exceptional success. Nothing out of the ordinary except for the fact that I often, even at my advanced age of 39, walk around with a naked face. But right there on the sidewalk, I had the thought: maybe other people, people who know me in passing, don't see me in the same way I see myself.

I think this thought grew out of something someone else said at church. She was talking about something disheartening that had happened to her, and how she couldn't start feeling better about it, couldn't move past it, until she let go of her own feelings of self pity. She was entitled to feel hurt, she explained, but not to hold onto it. Do *I* hold on to self pity? I asked myself. And the nearly immediate answer was I hold on to everything. 

And I do. Not really in the sense of forgiving others, but I do tend to hold on tight to my feelings of justified damage. I forgive the person who did whatever it was that hurt, but I hold on to the hurt. I remember cruel things people have said, for whatever reason, and then I rub my tongue over them. I keep my wounds fresh and red; I continue looking for proof that what was said was the truth. I think I do this because it is a sort of panacea: it is easier to hurt and worry over yesterday's damage than to believe today will be damage-free---and then have my expectations slashed.

But it's also why I probably don't see myself in the most positive light. This is an old, old habit, from way back in my gothy days. I didn't understand this then, but one reason I dressed all in black was to create a sort of anti-judgement force field around myself. If I dressed that way then people would judge me a certain way, and I knewthey would judge me that way, so I could expect the eye rolls and the shaking heads and the whispers behind their hands. What if I didn't dress that way, though, and the judgements happened anyway?

Now, of course, I don't look gothy anymore. But I still project my force field by assuming that others will see me in a certain (negative) light---so I see myself that way first. It's a twisted sort of protection, more damaging than I intend. By now perhaps the habit is so ingrained in me that I will never overcome it. But I feel a sort of inspiration to at least try, to assume that others perceive good things about me, and maybe then I can, too.

Comments

[Britt]

I hold on to feelings for a long time, too. I used to think I was really good at forgiving people, and then I realized how often I hold strong to negative opinions of others based on things they did a lot time ago that I refuse to forget. I don't know if that's what you're talking about or not, but that's what's coming out of my mouth... er... fingers right now.

I perceive you as a great writer and a very intelligent person. Great mom, too.

[heidikins]

This is such a great post, I've read it through three times now and it just keeps getting better.

Thank you for sharing this!

xox

[karen]

amy, here are some thoughts that ran through my mind as i read this:
1. i do that too. i feel if i think lowly of myself than it won't matter if others do too since i already think that way about myself. they can't hurt me if i get there first and do it.
2. i think you're wonderful. i know that i don't "know" you and it's easy to dismiss these online comments as if only you knew me... but i've been reading here for a while now and some days i vehemently disagree with you and other days i wish you were a little less negative on yourself and others. some days i cheer for you and other days i cheer alongside of you for others. sometimes i wish i were there just to sit and chat with you. even though i think we have different views and opinions on many many things, i really feel a strong bond to your soul. i think you're such a kindred spirit inside. i love that you think things through and observe and analyze and i love that you're open and that you try and sometimes you want to give up and other times you feel annoyed. you're real and human. and give yourself much less credit than you deserve. you're truly wonderful in my opinion.

i've also learned that success and strength and confidence aren't as intertwined as it might seem. there's much to be said for being comfortable in one's own skin. being content with what is. setting one's life to be aligned with one's true desires. etc etc. most of the people i admire the most are the ones who are just content. truly, deeply content with their life. very few of the "exceptionally successful" people I know feel that contentment. things seem fleeting and fragile to them. imho of course.

anyhow. i think you're great. i hope that you can feel my words as genuinely as i mean them and i hope you really hear me.

and, sadly, like the misery, perceiving good things about oneself also starts with oneself. i am working on this heavily lately. working on appreciating myself. what i have to offer and working on forgiving myself for areas in which i lack. i am working on improving some of them but also learning to accept that i will have flaws and i am worthy for other people to perceive good things about me because i can perceive good things about me. because deep deep down, i know that i am a good person. to be honest, on that level, i think most people are good people. we're just all broken along the way and sometimes lose sense of the path.

wow didn't mean to ramble so so long. this is what your posts do to me.

[Jenna]

I like to say that it doesn't matter what people think of me or how they treat me. However, we've had a little conflict with our neighbor & it has really bothered me. And I had a major blowout with a lady at church & the bad feelings haunted me for at least a year. A good friend/counselor told me to imagine that the church lady was a crazy person standing on the street corner & to give her as much attention & power in my life ...

One day I realized that when I spoke to other people, I rarely said anything unkind. When I spoke to myself, I rarely said anything nice. I still say things to myself, but I have learned to combat the negative with a spin.

Great, thought-provoking post!

[Caradon]

Amy,I feel like I have seen you in many situations. I have seen you drop off your child at my house in your hurry to get to work, I have seen you in your work out clothes running through the neighborhood, I have seen you all cute and put together at church on Sundays, I have seen you in random places around town like Costco where we don't necessarily expect to run into each other. In every situation I have seen you in these 5 years that I have known you, it has brought a smile to my face. I perceive you to be a strong, sensitive woman who has overcome a lot in life, who is an awesome mom, someone who is very giving to others, and loves her family and friends. I have always thought you are someone I would love to get to know better, but I am always so impressed with you and I think it is my pleasure to know you. Thanks for posting this, and all your posts actually. I really enjoy reading your thoughts on life, and I think you are so great at articulating what you think. You are so great!!

[Jamie]

Funny I was there but not really there for the moment that started this post. When I first got to know you through your blog and our kids I wanted to know you better. I looked for reasons to talk to you and get to know you. My perception: she's so cool!
The closer we become the more grateful that I am you are my friend. The more I love you..... because you are so many good things.

I loved Jenna's comment about being kind to everyone but ourselves. It's not too late. It will take work and prayer but you can change the way you see yourself, the way you talk to yourself. I need to work on that some too. Other issues.... but still you have made me think about the things I say to myself.

[Kim D]

Amy, I don't know you, I just sort of know your online persona. I see a wonderful writer who thinks deeply and is able to share those thoughts with beautiful words. I see someone who shares her words with others and shares her love of other written words. I see your writing as a gift to us, so therefore you are generous. I see a runner who makes me wish I exercised more, so therefore you are an inspiration. I see the wonderful things you cook, whether your family appreciates them or not. You share the recipes with us, so therefore you are open. I see someone who I think is sad some of the time and who is hard on herself some of the time, and that makes me sad too, because I think you are pretty awesome. You and I have some things in common, but there are many ways we are different. I wish I had the opportunity to really know you and be your friend. It would take work because of our differences, but I think you would be one of those amazing friends, the kind who makes you a better person for knowing her. That's what I see (and think).

[Lilly]

Very thought provoking! I too judge myself more harshly than other probably actually do. Satan has a way of taking the little things and turning them, telling us we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty, cool enough, ect. He tries to get that hold on us to make it easier for him to get in there, and convince us to justify our sins. I see you as a strong woman, with so many talents, and great kids! I see you as a mother that I would like to be more like, and I am thankful for your example.