in my Heart

A couple of weeks ago, there was a bloggity/scrapbookity thing going around some of the scrapbook blogs I read.  It started here. My Write.Click.Scrapbook friend Keshet reminded me a few days later that I meant to do it. The challenge is to simply write down some things that are in your heart. While I try to be authentic and honest on my blog, I sometimes don't write the things I've been wanting to write because (as always) there are so many things to do with my time. Sometimes blogging gets put on the back burner. But somehow, everything I like to do has been on the back burner lately.  

I've been swamped with busy-ness. I haven't actually accomplished anything. Half of my pantry is downstairs and all of the stuff that goes in my linen closet is scattered in various temporary-storage pockets. I haven't finished a layout, worked my way through any of my writing goals, or stitched a single stitch on the two  three quilts I thought I would definitely finish this month. We still need to paint the hall and the kitchen and the front room. I didn't take Haley to get the pedicure I've been promising her for ages. I haven't gone on a single fall hike or done an autumn photo shoot. I've just...hopped from thing to thing like a hyperactive kid who forgot her Ritalin.

But tonight I'm going to do it: just write down some things that are in my heart, right now.

• I love my kids. OK, that's hardly newsworthy. I've always loved them. But right now seems especially good. They're all wrapped up in the complexities of their lives, but I feel connected to each of them in new ways. Partly this is because of changes I've been trying to make within myself—to try to be calm in the face of antagonism and to not lose my patience and, most importantly, to keep my heart open to them. They are wonderful and marvelous and amazing and I just am so grateful to be their mom!
• The mountains this fall are gorgeous. I cannot remember them ever being so red. I think it's from all the rain we got this spring, but whatever the cause: I can't stop looking at them. I've taken to eating my lunch outside in the backyard, just so I can gaze at the mountains. I remind myself nearly every day: it's fall, it's fall! There is no better time of the year than September through November.
• All of the busy-ness that's making it so I can't do much of anything, creative-wise, is making me insane. One of my friends once said something that felt like a compliment: "You're the kind of person who always has to have something creative you're working on." When I don't get some solitude and a chance to write, or scrapbook, or quilt, I start getting frustrated. My creative urges get expressed in ever-sharpening snarkiness. Sarcasm as a creative outlet might lead to some laughter but I can be mean if I don't stop myself. I don't like that part of me.
• I love that, eleven years into my running project, I am still learning about myself and this sport. I've been a fairly consistent 9:45-10:00-miler runner forever. If I pushed I could eek out a 9:00 mile but not for very many miles. I did speed work and hill repeats to no avail: my pace stayed the same. I had no idea that the way to improve my consistent speed was to run more. But somewhere in my marathon training, I've gotten faster. Not on my long runs—I still do those at my 10:00-mile pace. But on the shorter runs—5-8 miles—I've gotten faster. I can hold an 8:30 pace for about six miles now. I don't share that out of a desire to brag but as an astonishment. I didn't expect this change to happen. But I'll take it as long as it lasts!
• Speaking of running, I am starting to get anxious about what will happen after the marathon. Well, after the marathon and then the half marathon I'm going to run at the end of October. While I still haven't managed to make the scale budge, I have, finally, lost some girth. Last week when I put on my favorite jeans, I discovered they were too big on the waist and nearly loose in the thighs. As I never lose inches on my legs, this is another astonishment. But I am scared that as I start cutting my mileage back, the inches will all come back. I can't keep up my 40-mile weeks, but it seems they're the only way I can maintain.
• I hate that I'm afraid of gaining weight. I want to be happy and content in my own skin and not feel like my body is always on the brink of mutiny. I want to know I could still be happy if I gained, say, 50 pounds. I don't want my happiness to be dependent upon what size I wear. This feels like another personal failure, feeling that way.
• My library is hosting the writer Brian Doyle. I am unseemingly excited about this. Like, every time I think of it about it I do a little happy dance.

Tell me: what's in your heart?

Comments

[Elizabeth]

I'm right there with you on the no-time-for-creativity part because I seem to drive people around all.the.time. Though to be honest, the creativity time has been cut into a little by the running, which I am making a conscious effort to do this month—I'm doing Cathy Zielske's run 50 miles challenge in September and I'm at 45 miles. Which quite frankly, is so unbelievable it's almost laughable. But! Me and my 13.20 minute mile pace are hanging in and that's quite an achievement for me : )

[Stephanie Howell]

This is wonderfully and beautifully written. I am exactly the same on the sarcasm thing. I have to watch myself. And I wish I'd be happy no matter my size,too. But I'm just not like that. :( thank you for blogging your heart. Xxo

[Becky K]

Running, and wishing *I* was faster, but always feeling that I self-defeat. Trying to balance what I want to do with what others think I should do, and trying to make myself happy more of the time (that sounds selfish.) Reading and how I hardly ever do it anymore - and yet I borrow stacks of books from the library each week.

My favorite part of this post? When you said you were running a half marathon in October. Wahoo!!!

[Jody]

What's in my heart?

* As a 51 year old single woman, my parents are still healthy enough and willing to go with me on my exploring adventures. I love having company and someone to talk to. They are my best friends. And last weeks trip was soooo fun.
* I am very excited for General Conference. I love the slowness of the weekend and am sad when it goes by so fast.
* My health is improving again, both physically and mentally. Which means I am finally wanting to be creative again. I actually did 3 layouts last month and I haven't done any for years. Your Write Now class and FPF/LOM helped with that. I am also sewing, something I have been meaning to do for a while. I, to, get snarky when I neglect that part of me.
* I'm looking forward to your Texuality class - another way to be creative.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[wendy]

I'm glad you took the time to write this. Aren't body image issues interesting? Because we KNOW it shouldn't matter, and when it does, it is aggravating, to say the least.

Anyway, what's in my heart: I don't want a hysterectomy (which is supposed to happen in January), even though it would mean being free to swim every day for the rest of my life. :) I'm just beginning to recognize that I don't want it (the hyster), and just beginning to grieve its lack of use.

I love this fall, too. I was happy the colors seemed to come on late, and now are so vibrant. I hope to convince dh for a photo shoot in the trees this weekend.

I don't know why I feel like I'm spinning my wheels with getting the home more in order. Nothing is getting finished and it's driving me nuts!

I am not ready for winter. I want these lovely outside days to last forever.

As my son grows up and we find better routines and life-rhythms, it's hard to consider adopting another baby and reverting to the hell of sleep deprivation. I feel selfish wanting to cling to the increased freedom I'm enjoying so much. Yet I cannot deny wanting to adopt again . . . at least on some mostly-hidden level.

[Melissa Kaiserman]

I know you weren't fishing for compliments, but I am sincerely impressed that you can maintain an 8:30 pace for 6 miles. And I had to laugh at your specification of "shorter runs" which to me are long runs because I have yet to attempt them!

I totally get you on how the frustration with the lack of opportunity to be creative shows itself in unbecoming ways. It doesn't have to be a certain type of creativity... even making new labels for contents of a cupboard feeds that for me!